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I Don’t Feel Different

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I’ve often wondered if some big event happens in people’s lives, does it change them? Does it change their outlook? Does it make them feel better or worse or different?

I wrote a book, as most of you know. When I was writing it, I think some people thought it was cool and some people thought it was stupid. Some people thought I got a lucky break and it wasn’t fair that I was being published and they weren’t. Me? I thought the whole thing was a bit surreal, and was worried that in the end, something would get in the way of it actually coming to fruition.

Now that it’s actually in stores and being sold and being bought and being read and being spotted in crazy places like the V&A Museum in London, you’d think I’d feel different. Like I’d somehow accomplished something, or “made it” if you will.

It’s funny, because not once has anyone come up to me and said, “Hey! You’re the author of the vampire knitting book!” I was almost more “famous” (or maybe infamous) when I was “the knitter” at our preschool.

Every year the school had a silent auction. Stupidly, I volunteered to make some cute baby hats for the auction the first year I was at the school. The next year I was approached by the head of the event, asking me to make more. It became this ‘thing’ after that. “You HAVE to knit something for the auction!”

One day at school, I introduced myself to a fellow board member I didn’t know. She said, “oh! You’re the knitter!” Then last year I was introduced to one of my fellow Brownie Troop moms and she said, “You’re the one who knits all the cute hats! I bought some of your hats at an auction at the preschool!” I suppose there aren’t too many Genevieve’s out there, and possibly even fewer knitters, so realizing who I am probably wasn’t that difficult.

But, now that I’m published, I’m not suddenly famous. I don’t get stopped on the street corner, or even in a Michael’s. I’m still me. I’m my kids’ mom. I still have a messy house and daily headaches and a pile of laundry to tackle. I still worry about people liking me. I still struggle with those last 10 lbs. I still run around like a chicken with my head cut off. I’m still always running late. I still feel “not good enough” much of the time.

I wonder how many books I’d have to publish, or how well-known I’d have to get to feel any different. Somehow, I have a feeling that even if I became “famous” in one way or another, I’d still feel this way.

***********

Tell me, have you done anything that you’d think would make you feel different? Did it work? Do you feel different, or do you still feel like the same old you?

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3 responses »

  1. Don Tsuchiyama

    How you can feel “not good enough” is beyond me. Being Genevieve is a pretty cool thing. Her home is warm and comfortable, her children are healthy, happy, and loved. She has the love of a good man and friends that adore her. She’s active, compassionate, talented, and heart-stoppingly beautiful. And here’s the clincher — she has the respect and admiration of a truly wise judge of character… me!

    That she is a published author is just a Wonderful Bonus.

  2. Ok, Ok, I know, but since you asked, it wasn’t until I truly pursued a relationship with my Savior that I truly started feeling right in my own skin…
    Just saying…

  3. I think I’m just going to have to get your book for my Aunt Genevieve who is pretty good with a ball of yarn.

    She just celebrated her 83rd. Now she’s moved on to more crafty pursuits since I think it might be easier now that she’s older.

    She’s get a kick out of the name being the same as the author. My cousin also knits and crochets; she’s Genevieve too! Talented people you Gen’s are!

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